Brokenness

I  must confess, the words that follow were written from a place of deep brokenness.

But know that although my heart is heavy and my spirit broken, my faith will never waver. 

Recently, I have felt the tears of mothers that lost their children, I've hugged little ones about to loose a parent, and heard discouraging words from my own child's doctor.  Unfortunately, these are just a glimpse of the heartache that surrounds me right now. But although I am broken... I am not crushed.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My heart has ached more in the past few weeks than it has in a lifetime. I vaguely remember the days when I didn't have to think about illnesses and children dying. I used to live in a world where those things were distant concerns that didn't impact my day to day, but today they plague my every thought. 

I hope you understand that my words are real and deep and come from the core of my soul... they are the voice of my brokenness.

And it is because I have witnessed true pain that I cannot remain silent.

I feel compelled to ask you the question that lies closest to my heart. How can we do any of this without God, without the realization that there is something more? 

I have seen God's mighty hand over me and my children, I have felt His presence during fearful moments and rested in His reassurance of a better tomorrow.

And though I have searched thoroughly, I have not been able to find any earthly resource that can offer me those things.

Yet, still I hear and see others who feel this faith is merely a weakness on my part... that there isn't really anyone out there listening to my prayers... that my faith is a crutch to get me through difficult times.

But let me ask you this... who has more at risk, the one who believes and is right... or the one who assumes there is nothing more, denying the ruler of the universe and choosing to  live only for this brief moment in time?

If I am wrong than I have lost nothing, but if I am right.... then I have gained eternal life.

My gain is True Life... not this painful earthly existence.

My gain... is a greater joy than can be found on this side of heaven.

My gain is an eternity filled with peace... no more fear or suffering.

My gain is a reunion with all those that already wear their crown of jewels... and a spirit that never experiences death. 

What do you loose if you search for the truth... listen to your heart and seek out a bigger purpose for your existence? 

You were created. You have a purpose. You were intended for so much more.

What you have been searching for your entire life... can't be found in any of the things this world has to offer. 

You will not find your peace until you find your maker. He waits for you and your pain... and He longs for your love.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. Mathew 11:28-29

It is through my brokenness that I am truly healed. It is because of my weakness that I can be strong. It is by His grace that I have purpose. And although I have felt great pain along our journey I have received unimaginable blessings each and everyday. 

My eyes have seen the wondrous gift of His love through the miracles that surround me daily.

Make no mistake about it, there is HOPE and his name is JESUS.

Fight or Flight

Imagine a room full of smiling strangers all making over you and playing games and then suddenly holding you down against your will. Now, imagine that you're only two years old and through your tear soaked eyes you see the one person in the world that you love the most and cry out to them for help... only to have them aid in your immobilization. Out of desperation to break free from the pain that they are inflicting, your fight or flight kicks in but since these strangers have eliminated your ability for flight.... you fight with all of you have.

How do you convince a two year old to lie still while a well meaning medical team painfully inserts a tube past his stomach into his intestines? How do you convince him that he needs this to stay alive and that your not trying to hurt him but desperately trying to help him?

The answer is you don't, honestly, I don't even know if I fully understand it. How did we get to the point where it is necessary to inflict pain in order to help him? These things that Cohen must endure are for his well being and that is an emotionally difficult place to be as a parent. 

This month has been exhausting to say the least. My little ones have had more than their fair share of pricks, pokes, and personal invasions but they have come through them all with sweet smiles and brave hearts... I am so proud to be their mama! 

People ask me all of the time, "How are you so strong?" but the truth is I get my strength from these little ones. I am only as strong as they need me to be at that moment. Don't get me wrong I'm not exempt from stress and fatigue, I just don't have time to give into them.

During an interview today, for an upcoming Ronald McDonald House newsletter, I was asked to recount our experience here. It was the first time that I had stopped to really take in what we had been going through. Together we have endured four surgeries, inpatient stays with three different children, an MRI under anesthesia, testing that lasted over three hours, accidental tube coming out, one trip to the ER and countless appointments.

When your in the midst of a battle you don't stop to reflect on what is happening around you, you just fight through each trial with every bit of your strength. 

My greatest lesson from all of this is that we must seize every opportunity to replace our brokenness with joy every day.

My perspective of life has dramatically changed over the course of the last two years, giving me a new appreciation

for each day spent with those I love. I have been humbled countless times by the generosity of others and have seen just how much good really exists in the world.

Although, this year the Christmas season has looked a little different for us... I know we will appreciate it more than ever! 

I wonder what I would say to her....

I wonder what I would say to the woman I was a year ago... that exhausted woman that sat at the bedside of a sleeping, sick little boy covered in bruises from unsuccessful attempts to hydrate him. Discouraged, feeling helpless and unsure of what was happening to her perfect baby, wondering why she couldn't make him better, why she couldn't feed him, and unaware of just how sick he was.

Where would I even begin when trying to explain the course of the year that awaited her or the fight she had coming.  She was so naive to the coming events of countless doctor appointments and hospital stays that spanned across four states.  She had no idea that her precious baby would endure 50 IV sticks, 3 surgeries, countless (literally) countless blood draws & x-rays, as well as 11 hospital stays in four different hospitals before he would turn 19 months old.

The woman in that hospital room that night had no idea that she was about to be thrust into overcoming her insecurities... to be the one that would find her sons disease and then confidently present it to his unfamiliar healthcare providers.

She had no idea that soon she would learn how to run equipment that she had never even heard of up until this point in her life.

She had no idea how many times she was about to watch her child look at her through fear filled eyes, desperately urging her to rescue him from the tubes, needles, and procedures that he had to undergo.

She had no idea that her secret urge from years ago of wanting to be a nurse was about to become a reality in a way that she had never envisioned.  Or that she would be taking on that role for one of her greatest joys.


So what would I tell her...

I would start with... Your faith is about be tested so hold tight to what you know. Trust in the one you have given your life to.... the same one that you dedicated your son too.  You are about to experience some the most difficult days of your life but you will weather the storms, not because you have obtained super strength but because you trust in one that does.  You are about to experience love in the truest form from your family and friends and to see why God placed these people in your life.  You are about to understand the real reason God created an earthly church and filled with people that lift each other up when their strength is depleted.  Take heart because although you are about to face many struggles, you will also experience great blessings, so embrace them when the come and use them to propel you through the difficult times.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe that if that same woman could have peered into the future she would have had a few words for the me that I have become.  I think she would tell me that she is proud of me. Proud of how I stood up for my sweet baby. Proud of how I listened to my instincts when everything around me suggested otherwise.  Proud of how I learned to overcome my insecurities and speak up when Cohen desperately needed me too.

You won't hear me say this very often... but I am proud of me as well.  I'm  a constant work in progress and I'll be the first to admit that I am far from perfect but for just one moment I am going to hold my head high in accomplishment... and be thankful for my successes thus far.

The truth is we all share one commonality... one absolute for all of us....   At one point or another we are all guaranteed to experience pain.  And although it may not look the same for each of us and will certainly affect us each differently, you can rest assure we will all be changed... either for the better... or the worse.  So I will make a choice... I will allow my pain to have purpose.... choosing to bring meaning to the struggles that I have hurdled.... allowing what was intended for evil to be used for good.

My hope is that you will allow  our pain to receive its purpose through the way it impacts your hearts.  Our family does not live in sorrow or sadness but we celebrate everyday as a new beginning filled with hope and promises from our God.  We will continue to face the trials of this life, not as loners lost in confusion but as children sheltered in the arms of loving Father.


I pray that the strength that resides in our little superhero will permeate into the lives of all who hear his story, allowing our Pain to be transformed into Purpose.














Isaiah 40:28-29  "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak"

Living In A FPIES Fog

FPIES-Our beginging

Our Little Puzzle

Endurance

A long time ago I began to pray for endurance.  Why?

I am a runner by nature... believe it or not in my not so distant past (okay you may not want to believe that part) I actually had a track scholarship to Marshall University.  So I identify all to well with the training and work ethic needed to compete at that level.  You can't get very far if you don't train, train, and.... yep you guessed it, train some more.

Racing is only fun if you can compete with the crowd around you.... however, the training process to achieve that goal is grueling and less than desirable!  I learned quickly that without those long days of pushing myself hard, past the point of where I thought I could go.... I would never reach my goal.

If you are familiar with training you know that it isn't pleasant, it hurts, and it often feels like punishment.  So how do you convince yourself to do it day after day?  Well, you must overcome your first and most difficult obstacle.... Your Mind!!!    Believing in your ability to achieve your goal will determine whether you reach your goal.

Not only does your body need to be conditioned but more importantly your mind does as well.  I use to have a saying with my personal training clients (I told you running was a large part of my past), "Mind over matter... if you don't mind, it won't matter!" Imagine getting to hear that first thing in the morning from a peppy little trainer running beside you!   

What does all of this have to do with praying for endurance?

en·dur·ance ~ 

noun

    1.  the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way.

One day while I was praying with a friend I prayed for endurance, something I did regularly in my private prayer time.  When we finished she looked confused and questioned me, "Why did you pray for endurance?"  She said that she had never thought about praying for endurance and wondered what prompted me to do so.  

I told her that I see my life in comparison to running a race.... this life is like a marathon for me (which is a big deal when your a sprinter by nature).  I was great with the quick short distances but it's those long ones that have always taken a toll on me. If you have ever experienced long distance runs you know that there is moment when you hit a proverbial wall... or should I say it HITS YOU!!  

It's the point where you want to give up and sercome to the pain that has been slowly taking over your body. Endurance gives you the strength to push through and reach the goal set before you, however, you can't obtain it without hard work.

So how do you train your mind for your race and gain the confidence to believe in the ability to reach your finish line.... by growing stronger spiritually.  If we want endurance in our journeys we must pursue it with persistence.  Spending time daily with God allows Him to fortify us with the ability to keep running when everything in us says, "I can't take anymore!"  

I will hit many "walls" in my life and unfortunately my little, "Mind of matter matter" phrase won't be enough to get me to the other side of my struggles.  So I will continue to request the gift of endurance from the only one that can provide it for me.

I have been on some very long journeys lately, but God's provision of endurance has kept me 
in the race.  My eyes are fixed on the goal before me and I will persevere until I cross the finish line.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

 In a race all the runners run. But only one gets the prize. You know that, don’t you? So run in a way that will get you the prize.  All who take part in the games train hard. They do it to get a crown that will not last. But we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

So I do not run like someone who doesn't run toward the finish line. I do not fight like a boxer who hits nothing but air. No, I train my body and bring it under control. Then after I have preached to others, I myself will not break the rules and fail to win the prize.

Rumor has it....

There's a rumor that has been passed along for years, it's been circulating for so long it's origin is unclear.  And although it can't be found in the Bible it is quoted frequently along side of scripture......

"God never gives you more than you can handle."

Okay let's be honest most of us are not only guilty of saying it at least once in our lives but also resting in it's false security. Only recently has it come to my attention (through a powerful message on faith) that this wonderful feel good thought is nothing more than a MYTH.  But hold on and hear me out because there is hope....

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ~ 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

Although, it is well intended to use this sediment to comfort someone going through a difficult phase in their life, it is absolutely false and misleading.  The Bible is full of people who had far more than they could handle (checkout Hebrew 11 for a nice recap).  These men and women not only survived their trials but thrived and all of them shared one common thread....they all had unshakable, never wavering, undeniable.... FAITH!  Faith not in themselves, or their own abilities but in their Creator... the one that can really handle the circumstances we face.   But first things first.... we need to just start at the basics, we must commit ourselves to the giver of Life so that we may receive His immeasurable source of strength.

Hebrews 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Faith! It's the key that unlocks the door to our greatest resource which will enable God's strength to penetrate our lives.  God not only wants to be with us in ALL of the circumstances, but he wants to carry us through our darkest ones... baring the load and comforting our souls.   Our God's shoulders are bigger and stronger...

II Corinthians 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Pastor Marc Sundstorm teaches us in his message "By Faith" that: "You can always endure a little more than you think you can, but you will never have more than you and God can’t handle together.  There is nothing we can’t endure through faith but we must look to the future by fixing our eyes on Jesus, because what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."  He goes on to remind us that, "When things are good we rely on ourselves but when things are hard we rely on God."

Trials are not meant to destroy us! In fact it is quite the opposite, these times are opportunities for us to strengthen our faith and prove to the world that we live what we believe . Our experiences equip us to help others and point them back to the Father.

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

So it's time to put our faith into action and debunk the rumor.  You will never again hear me utter the words...

"God will never give you more than you can handle."

Instead I will share the truth...  

God will never give you more than HE can handle.

Click here to listen to the Holy Spirit clear up this age old rumor through Pastor Marc's powerful message.

The Lord is My Strength Psalm 28:6-8 "Blessed be the LORD, Because He has heard the voice of my supplication. The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. The LORD is their strength, And He is a saving defense to His anointed.…"

I will choose to follow...

Quite frequently you hear a new christian say that they have decided to follow Jesus, but I can't help but wonder if they really know what they are agreeing to.

There is even a song, "I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back....no turning back."  

Webster defines the word follow as, "to come or take place after in time, sequence, or order."  But do we Really comprehend the full meaning of following someone like Jesus.  A lot of people misunderstand what it means to be a Christian, buying into the idea that once we make a commitment we are "fancy free".  Some even believe that life will become easier and all of the stress will be gone.

The truth...

When we commit to following Jesus we must first understand who He was and what His mission was about.  The Gospels tell us that Jesus traveled long hard journeys, never knowing where He would rest His head or how food would come to Him... He simply knew His father would provide.  Jesus's feet were dirty and sore from traveling on rough terrain but he never complained or questioned God's purpose for His suffering.  

If you plan to follow Jesus you better put on your hiking boots and roll up your pants because the road you are about to embark upon isn't paved or smooth.

God doesn't promise a life without pain, what He does promise is that He will always sustain us and be with us through our journeys, just as He was with His son.  

Prepare to suffer and be ridiculed.... remember we are following Jesus so we go where He goes.

Jesus was hungry, tired, and anguished at times...... 

                                                                          are you willing to be hungry, tired, and anguished?

Jesus put aside His own burdens to carry the burdens of others..... 

                                                                             are you willing to carry the burdens of others?

Jesus did the illogical and walked on water....

                                               are you willing to do the illogical?

Jesus told God, "Not my will but Yours be done.".... 

                                                  are you willing to lay down your own desires for the will of God?

Jesus was brutally crucified for the inequity of all people....

                                                     dare I even ask???        

So why would anyone accept this journey?

For the same reason Jesus did, because the prize far out weighs the cost.  Earth is not our reward it is our place of preparation.  We are being molded and shaped into the people that God has created us to be, but our journey is sometimes painful.   

 We can endure this kind of journey because

God tells us that, 

"... I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " Isaiah 41:10

Choosing to follow Jesus provides us with all that is missing from our lives. I think most of us would agree that in the deepest place of our hearts we all long for the same thing, something that if it was unobtainable to us, would leave us in a state of mere existences...

HOPE

Where would we be without HOPE? How would we face each day without the hope of something better than the pain of yesterday and the uncertainty of tomorrow?

It is because we have a God that is bigger than our circumstances... that we have Hope!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   Jeremiah 29:11-12 

The fact is we all choose to follow something, it could  be another person,  self desires,  or power.  But these things will only leave us wandering in endless circles, leaving us frustrated and exhausted.   Why choose to follow Jesus down the difficult narrow path?  Because God promises to never leave us or forsake us... if we choose this path we will never walk it alone.  When we follow close behind our savior, trusting in His guidance and direction,

 He will lead us right into eternity.

And for that reason I choose to follow Jesus.......

 "Do you not know? Have you not heard?  

The LORD is the everlasting God,  the Creator of the ends of the earth.   

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and his understanding no one can fathom. 

 He gives strength to the weary 

   and increases the power of the weak. 

 Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall; 

 but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint."

Isiah 40:28-31