The Lie

As I sit here once again amid alarming machines and sterile walls I am compelled to tell the truth.... And the truth is I feel as though I am living a lie. Not one that I have told but one that is being imposed upon me by the well intention of others.

I am in a constant struggle with the fact the people think that I am something that I am most definitely NOT!

 "You are so strong." 

.... words spoken by kind hearts with the genuine purpose of supporting and encouraging me, but the truth is the more I hear them the more I feel as though I am living in a lie. 

So I want to set things straight and let everyone know...

My God is STRONG.

My child is STRONG.

But I am not strong, not at all, not even close. 

What I do has nothing to do with strength. 

I don't get out of bed in the morning because I have strength... but because I know someone is depending on me for their every need. 

I don't face appointments, procedures, or diagnoses with strength... I show up because my child's life depends on it.

On long hard days or when difficult news comes... strength is the last thing I am feeling.

Frequently, we are faced with hard decisions regarding our child's treatment plan, often given no real choices... forcing us to decided between paths of lesser evils. These are moments when my weaknesses are revealed and I am sustained only by the strength of my faith.

There are times when testing leaves us with no ideal outcomes to hope for... only new sets of fears and uncertainties.

I do all of this not because I have strength... but because I still have AIR left in my lungs. 

If what I did each day depended on strength I would fall short daily... there just isn't that much strength this side of heaven.

So please don't confuse what you are seeing as strength, the truth is what you are really witnessing is the depths of a parent's LOVE for their child.

There is place in our hearts that we are suddenly aware of the moment we first hold our child.

An extraordinary love is formed in the deep reservoirs of our hearts and is awakened within us the moment we learn of their illness.

I don't know where our journey will take us but as long as I have breath in me I will fight for my child.

And thankfully that doesn't take strength, just LOVE, for which there is certainly no shortage.