This time last year I was preparing for the arrival of my sweet number five. It was a rough ending to an already difficult pregnancy so I was more than excited for our due date. I can't believe how fast time as gone by, but what is even more unbelievable to me is what it has taken to get here. My poor little guy has had a very rough start to his beautiful little life and it has been so difficult to watch him go through so much pain.
Before his FPIES diagnosis he had several hospital stays that were filled with needles, tubes, and countless tests. I never dreamed that this little bundle of joy would experience so much discomfort in his first year of life. We are so very thankful for the blessings that we can celebrate with him and that he is growing well despite what he has been through; but that doesn't take away some of this disappointments that come with his disease.
I have celebrated 4 first birthdays, all of them with so much excitement and of course that famous picture with little cake filled hands and icing mustaches. There is just something about seeing babies tear into that first confectionery delight, which seems to have become a type of passage into toddler-hood. I guess that's why I have so much sadness when I think about this special day. I am only human and I can't help but find my mind often dwelling on the things that my little guy can't do...one of which is EAT...so obviously that means no cake diving baby pictures for our little scrap book!
I know that my sweet boy won't miss it....but his mama will!
You right! It isn't the end of the world.... and yes I am very blessed to even have a little one to celebrate with, but just for a moment I need to be sad.... just for a moment I am going to let myself morn the loss of that image of a baby becoming a cake diving one year old.... just for a moment I am going to let myself be mad that my child doesn't live a "normal life".
I really haven't been able to bring myself to think about that special day in detail, in fact I can feel myself become anxious when I think about it. I am sure if my little man could talk he would tell me that the greatest gift I could give him right now would be to make him feel better. So for now, instead of planning a big day filled with festivities we are planning a hospital stay full of needles, tubes, tests and surgery. I promise I won't let myself linger in this rut of sorrows or keep my focus on all of the negatives for to much longer. Perhaps as early as tomorrow I will once again see the silver linings that hoover around me.... but for right now in this single moment...
I am sad
Mathew 11:28
"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."
* Positive birthday post will come I promise...complete with our foodless cake idea!
Oh Sweetness, my heart goes out to you. It's okay to be sad. God is really wanting you to rely on Him during this time of your life - isn't he! Sometimes I think "how is she getting through all she has to", then I realize it is only because of your faith in Him are you able to make it through all you have been through this year. You encourage the rest of us as we struggle with our own issues - whether big or small - you remind me that it is okay to be sad or angry or whatever, but in the end, I will make it through and continue to. Thanks for you words. On a funny note - how about putting a bowl of breast milk in front of him and having him play with that and put his face in it! (okay, so maybe not, but it would work!)
ReplyDeleteGod has placed wonderful people like you in my life and I couldn't get through any of this without you all...I am blessed beyond measure. Thank you for all you do for us, we love your beautiful family so much!! Thanks for making me laugh....BM bowl idea would actually be pretty fun and equally as entertaining as the cake pictures...lol!!
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