A Letter to A Friend

A while back, I had a conversation with someone who revealed the true fears of her heart to me. It was apparent that her words were not at all intended to hurt me or judge our family's journey but truly express her very real fear.

I haven't been able to get that conversations off my mind. Her fears are not isolated to her, in fact I imagine that there are many others that share the same feelings as this beautiful woman, but have not found the courage to speak the words.

"I am afraid to have a baby, I don't think I could handle having a sick child."

Here is a letter to her and others that share her fear.

Dear Friend,

I do not begrudge you for your fear of being faced with the idea of living my journey, having a sick child can be frightening. None of us feel equipped emotionally, mentally, or even physically to keep up with the demands of caring for a child with special needs, but take heart there is far more to this journey than the struggles we face.

Your words of fear broke my heart. Not because you hurt me but because I can see that your fear is deep and has paralyzed you, denying you one of life's greatest treasures. I hope that my words can speak to your heart and paint a different picture for you of motherhood.

No one would ever choose to have their little one suffer in any manner. As parents we want to believe that our children will be born into a perfect world, never experiencing pain or disappointment, however that is not a reality for any of us. I can't promise you that your pregnancy will go smoothly without complication or that your child will be born with all of their parts working properly, but what I can promise you is this... their birth makes you their mother. In one brief moment you are instantaneously transformed into the most important person in the life of another human being, and that feels amazing. The fear you have now transforms into love, a love like no other.

Every journey of motherhood is full of ups and downs whether your child is healthy or not. For the first time in your life you will question every decision you make because the consequences effect more than the person in the mirror. But those decisions evolve you into an incredible person, one you never imagined you could be. You will struggle at times but in return you will find more joy than you ever dreamed possible. 

These little lives bring purpose and balance to a world of chaos. They remind us of everything good in the world and inspire us to find that same good within ourselves. Not all days will be easy but true happiness can be found in each of them if we choose to find it. 

There are many good reasons to choose to not be a parent but I pray that fear will never be one of them for anyone. Every life has purpose. Every life is beautiful. Every life is worth the cost that comes with living. Your greatest loss would be missing out on this kind of love due to fear.

So please dear friend do not fear my journey, for my journey is a good one and this little life that I have been entrusted with is worth fighting for. I would rather know a life with him, this way, than live a life never having known this incredible little spirit. 

All of My Love, 
A Mother of a Special Needs Child

A Letter to A Friend

A while back, I had a conversation with someone who revealed the true fears of her heart to me. It was apparent that her words were not at all intended to hurt me or judge our family's journey but truly express her very real fear.

I haven't been able to get that conversations off my mind. Her fears are not isolated to her, in fact I imagine that there are many others that share the same feelings as this beautiful woman, but have not found the courage to speak the words.

"I am afraid to have a baby, I don't think I could handle having a sick child."

Here is a letter to her and others that share her fear.

Dear Friend,

I do not begrudge you for your fear of being faced with the idea of living my journey, having a sick child can be frightening. None of us feel equipped emotionally, mentally, or even physically to keep up with the demands of caring for a child with special needs, but take heart there is far more to this journey than the struggles we face.

Your words of fear broke my heart. Not because you hurt me but because I can see that your fear is deep and has paralyzed you, denying you one of life's greatest treasures. I hope that my words can speak to your heart and paint a different picture for you of motherhood.

No one would ever choose to have their little one suffer in any manner. As parents we want to believe that our children will be born into a perfect world, never experiencing pain or disappointment, however that is not a reality for any of us. I can't promise you that your pregnancy will go smoothly without complication or that your child will be born with all of their parts working properly, but what I can promise you is this... their birth makes you their mother. In one brief moment you are instantaneously transformed into the most important person in the life of another human being, and that feels amazing. The fear you have now transforms into love, a love like no other.

Every journey of motherhood is full of ups and downs whether your child is healthy or not. For the first time in your life you will question every decision you make because the consequences effect more than the person in the mirror. But those decisions evolve you into becoming an incredible person, one you never imagined you could be. You will struggle at times but in return you will find more joy than you ever dreamed possible. 

These little lives bring purpose and balance to a world of chaos. They remind us of everything good in the world and inspire us to find that same good within ourselves. Not all days will be easy but true happiness can be found in each of them if we choose to find it. 

There are many good reasons to choose to not be a parent but I pray that fear will never be one of them for anyone. Every life has purpose. Every life is beautiful. Every life is worth the cost that comes with living. Your greatest loss would be missing out on this kind of love due to fear.

So please dear friend do not fear my journey, for my journey is a good one and this little life that I have been entrusted with is worth fighting for. I would rather know a life with him, this way, than live a life never having known this incredible little spirit. 

All of My Love, 
A Mother of a Special Needs Child

Reese-Pie...Reese-Pie, Oh my Reese-Pie

Happy 4th Birthday to my spunky little funny bug. We are so blessed to have you in this crazy little gang or ours. You are such an amazing little life and you bring happiness to each and everyday.

 I love that you can act like a teenager one minute and then a toddler the next.

I love that you never shy away from giving your opinion, or demonstrating your uncharacteristic strength for someone so small.

I love that no matter what you find when you look out the window each day you say, "Mama, it's such a beautiful day." 

I love that you remind me that life is short and childhood is even shorter.

I love that you think it is hilarious to hide for minutes behind walls just to jump out and scare us.

I love that you climb in bed with me really early every morning just to snuggle.

 I love that you still put your shoes on the wrong feet just because you, "like it better that way."

  I love that you won't go to sleep at night until I give you your hugamugas (nose kisses... see Daniel Tiger for more details).

I love that you really do want to be a princess when you grow up, except for the day you thought perhaps you would like to be a dentist.

I love that you do the Reese-Pie Dance, when we sing, "Reese-Pie, Reese-Pie....Oh, my Reese-Pie."

I love the way you sing all day long, reminding me that nothing should keep us 

from making a joyful noise. 

 Oh, Reesie-Pie how we love you soooo!

Happy Birthday Sweet Little Girl!

Psalm 100:1-2

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.  Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

Pure Genius

Okay, just so you know I am in no way regarded as a genius... I know that may come as a shock.  

But let's be honest the true measure of intelligence is really whether the knowledge you have matches the need before you.  You can have a million degrees in medicine or aerodynamics but if your power goes out it's the electrician that becomes the most intelligent person in the room.  And if your car engine dies it's the mechanic in the scientific researcher's parking lot that is the genius.

My point is this, odds are that at sometime in our lives our area of expertise will match up with the immediate need in front of us... and in that moment we will have our opportunity to shine.  

So let me just say that what I am about to tell you is... Pure Genius!!  I know, it may seem a bit extreme to give my words such high regards but I think you will agree that my moment to shine proved to be a success.

My Shining Moment

Well, let me just say that five kids can create messes like you can't even imagine and this mama could go insane trying to keep up with the ongoing clutter.  So I came up with a scheme that was.... yep, PURE GENIUS!

Everyone in our home has chores and jurisdictions that must be attended to daily (yes, I am a Duggar fan). However, there are some days when those efforts just aren't enough. These were the days when I found myself turning into the relentless nagging mama that continuously chanted, "pick up this, pick up that!"  Not only was it annoying to them but it was also extremely exhausting for me.

The Game

Okay so here it is, the genius part... I created "Pick-Up Points".  I know it doesn't sound like much yet but hang on, let me explain. 

On random days (the ones where I want to pull my hair out from the piles of clutter) I declare, Pick-Up Point Time and all of the kids come running.  Seriously, they literally come running.  I then proceed to set a timer (the length of time depends on the depth of the mess) each child begins to run in every direction picking up anything and everything they can find and putting it all away.  I even hear them sometimes argue over who gets to pick up what.  

Genius..... right!  Now, I would love for you to believe that my kids are just so wonderful that they would clean up that easily with no outside reward however, I have my integrity to think of so I will be honest.

The Motivation

Points are given for each item they pick up AND put away, I stay close by to monitor this process.  There are also times when the game is not being played that I will offer a set number of points in exchange for them helping outside their jurisdiction or just for volunteering to do something without expecting a reward.  The kids collect the points which, can be used to purchase items at the store.  They can choose to use the points right away or let them add up so they can buy larger items.  

Participation in the game is voluntary and the kids still have their regular chores which, are set aside just to teach responsibility.  However, it only takes one shopping trip to motivate the non-shoppers for the next game.  Our current Pick-Up point exchange rate is 1 point = 1 penny (there young and it works).   Keeping the point value low motivates them to pick up more items (that's where the scheme definition comes from). There is also the added benefit of their competitive nature, I guess I get the blame for that genetic hand-me-down.

Regardless of why it works... it works!  In a matter of minutes my house goes from chaos and clutter to neat and orderly.  And this mama sits back and smiles... much nicer than the previous nagging mama... so it's a win-win for all.

This little game has revolutionized my life and given me back some of my lost sanity, well I like to believe that at least.  I don't know how long this will continue to work so for now I will just marvel in its wonder and enjoy the moment when for a fleeting instance I was a Genius!

1 Peter 4:10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.

Rumor has it....

There's a rumor that has been passed along for years, it's been circulating for so long it's origin is unclear.  And although it can't be found in the Bible it is quoted frequently along side of scripture......

"God never gives you more than you can handle."

Okay let's be honest most of us are not only guilty of saying it at least once in our lives but also resting in it's false security. Only recently has it come to my attention (through a powerful message on faith) that this wonderful feel good thought is nothing more than a MYTH.  But hold on and hear me out because there is hope....

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ~ 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

Although, it is well intended to use this sediment to comfort someone going through a difficult phase in their life, it is absolutely false and misleading.  The Bible is full of people who had far more than they could handle (checkout Hebrew 11 for a nice recap).  These men and women not only survived their trials but thrived and all of them shared one common thread....they all had unshakable, never wavering, undeniable.... FAITH!  Faith not in themselves, or their own abilities but in their Creator... the one that can really handle the circumstances we face.   But first things first.... we need to just start at the basics, we must commit ourselves to the giver of Life so that we may receive His immeasurable source of strength.

Hebrews 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Faith! It's the key that unlocks the door to our greatest resource which will enable God's strength to penetrate our lives.  God not only wants to be with us in ALL of the circumstances, but he wants to carry us through our darkest ones... baring the load and comforting our souls.   Our God's shoulders are bigger and stronger...

II Corinthians 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Pastor Marc Sundstorm teaches us in his message "By Faith" that: "You can always endure a little more than you think you can, but you will never have more than you and God can’t handle together.  There is nothing we can’t endure through faith but we must look to the future by fixing our eyes on Jesus, because what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."  He goes on to remind us that, "When things are good we rely on ourselves but when things are hard we rely on God."

Trials are not meant to destroy us! In fact it is quite the opposite, these times are opportunities for us to strengthen our faith and prove to the world that we live what we believe . Our experiences equip us to help others and point them back to the Father.

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

So it's time to put our faith into action and debunk the rumor.  You will never again hear me utter the words...

"God will never give you more than you can handle."

Instead I will share the truth...  

God will never give you more than HE can handle.

Click here to listen to the Holy Spirit clear up this age old rumor through Pastor Marc's powerful message.

The Lord is My Strength Psalm 28:6-8 "Blessed be the LORD, Because He has heard the voice of my supplication. The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. The LORD is their strength, And He is a saving defense to His anointed.…"

Being a Mama

Lets face it becoming a mother is job in itself.   We "willing" choose to wreck our bodies enduring the unthinkable for 40 long weeks, trading all physical comfort simply to have our sweet blessings. 

Or we spend countless hours praying little ones into our lives, birthing them through a deep passionate desire and  the blood sweat and tears that come with adoption. 

Regardless of how we were born into the job of motherhood we all under went the same transformation as our hearts grew large enough to accommodate another human being.  And although our stories may look a little different I know that we can all agree on one thing..... This job comes with the most incredible PERKS!

Where else in the world would someone...

  *Desperately want your kisses so badly that they aren't bothered by your morning breath

*Depend solely on you to care for their every need and not complain about the way you're doing it

*Care enough to cry for you when you leave the room

*Frantically search every room in the building just to make sure you haven't left

*Believe your kisses and hugs have magical healing powers

*Be so desperate to be in your arms that they cling to your legs

*Care less about your appearance, putting much more value on your ability to keep them fed, warm, and loved

When in life do you get to...

*Witness someones first "everything"

*Experience someone melting your heart with just a look in their eye

*Feel like the most important person in the world

*Restore your faith in the world by seeing the reflection of true innocence in their little eyes 

*Look past every flaw or mistake you ever made in life with such unconditional love 

*Witness the magic and wonder the world come alive around you by the mere sound of little laughter 

 *Desperately have someone want to be in your constant presence and NEVER tire of you

*Experience someone's NEED for your undivided attention more deeply or deservingly than anyone else in the world

*Be part of a world where dolls talk, reindeer fly, and best friends come with stuffing and fur

*Remove all fear and helplessness for another person, simply by placing your arms around them

*Have the opportunity to watch a tiny helpless person develop into an amazing thinking, achieving, and prosperous member of society.... And know that you had everything to do with it

Sure, this job is difficult and even impossible at times.  I am sure there is a list a mile long of all the things that are unpleasant, but I'll be honest I just can't seem to remember any of them....   

If we were given a chance to do it all over again, enduring whatever we faced to bring these little ones into our lives....We would say without hesitation... ABSOLUTELY!

Take heart dear mamas, your work is not in vein and even know it may go unnoticed by the world today it will become evident in legacy of the lives that we daily nurture.

Proverbs 38:28a  Her children arise and call her blessed.

Talk or Tell

My goal as a parent is to equip my children with the necessary tools for them to have the ability to mange themselves and learn self control...so that they may grow into adults that know how to manage themselves and demonstrate self control.   

One of my greatest priorities is to provide my children with the ability to resolve conflict with others.  Kids aren't born knowing how to handle situations, we all must learn the techniques to bring resolution.

I think one of this biggest problems that we as parents face in our day to day parenting is the dreaded "Tattling!"  It it often seems like it is more of an instinctive trait... as oppose to a learned behavior.      

It is tempting for us parents to intervene and problem solve for our children but this doesn't teach our little ones to be able to resolve the inevitable conflicts that are lurking in their futures.  If we don't equip them with the knowledge and skills needed to work through disputes than we are disabling them to stand on their own in the face of trouble.

You could say that I have my own little focus group in my house, which makes it ideal for testing and trying out techniques for child rearing!  There are plenty of opportunities in our home for children to practice self control and conflict resolution....but first I must teach it.

So here is the method that seems to be working amazingly well with our five little blessings.  However, it could work with any number of children, whether you have one or twenty.  

"Talk or Tell" has revolutionized the way my children deal with each other and their disputes.


What is it:

Tell, (a.k.a) Tattling:  Seeking an adult with the goal of getting another child in trouble.  However, telling has one exception..... Seeking an adult with the goal of keeping yourself or another child safe.

Talk:  This is the act of handling a situation by talking it over with the person offending you or disobeying the rules.  For example: "Bob you know that I don't like it when you hit me, it hurts and doesn't make me want to play with you." or "Sally you know mama told us not to eat a snack before dinner."

How to apply it:

First, define the difference between tell/tattling on someone and talking with someone.

Next, spend time working through scenarios of when to Tell and when to Talk, make it a fun game and give them lots of chances to practice the appropriate responses.

Tattling is an easy concept for little ones to understand, the usually pick it up quickly and on their own....lol!  Talking on the other hand takes some practice to learn how to do it correctly, which is especially important for our children as they get older.

Talking requires you to care about the other person and their well being and having a desire for them to avoid bringing consequences upon themselves.   When we practice "Talk" scenarios we also discuss consequences of our actions when one refuses to listen to the voice of reason.  I teach my children that if the person you are trying to "Talk" with doesn't heed your wisdom then remove yourself from the situation and let them accept their consequences (this is not a chance for you to tattle).   It only takes a few times of receiving consequences for them to realize that taking the advice would have been the better choice. 

When my children come to me with the News Reporter Look on their face I simply say....Tell or Talk?  Their look quickly changes to one of deep thought.  Usually, they respond with, "Hum, never mind."  

The Telling Consequence:
Well, every good method must have it's motivation!  I make sure that whenever I hear them using the "Talk" approach I praise them.....I praise them in front of each other.....I praise them to their daddy, and I praise them in front of family and friends.  Praise goes a long, long way, which isn't surprising it's the best motivation for all of us!!  

However, on occasion you will have a News Reporter that just can't help themselves.  If someone tattles on another person......well then both the Teller and the Tell'e receive a consequence.  Yup, this motivates all parties to either, not commit offenses or to quickly encourage each other to resolve the conflict on their own.... without ME (the Consequence Giver).

We have a consequence chart on our wall, which is kept in a highly visible place where the kids can get to it.  If they receive a consequence than they must take a yellow strip out of the little blue folder and put it in their pocket.  Each strip has a household chore written on the back (these are not their regular chore)  Their conssequence remains a mistery until the end of the day when it is time to "pay the piper"...lol (this cuts down on all day pouting about their new chore).  Really, it's a win-win for all of us!  They learn valuable lessons and I get much needed extra help around the house. 

Since my ultimate goal is to TEACH them, I use a discipline approach  to change the undesirable behavior. 

*discipline- the act of  teaching appropriate behavior given along side of a consequence
*punishment-  consequence without correction

It is essential for the "News Reporter" and I discuss the proper way to handle the situation, so each mistake becomes an opportunity to learn how to succeed.  We then go and find the Tellie so that we can have a " DO OVER".  The two practice the correct responses using our "Talk" method, we also discuss how we could have avoided the problem in the first place.  

It is extremely important to be patient and willing to teach our children, so that they will be better equipped adults.... which is our ultimate goal!!  Kids aren't going to get this right every time....lets face it most of us adults still struggle with proper conflict resolution.   

I would love to hear if you tried this method and if it worked for your family.  Please feel free to share methods that you use that work for your family, after all it takes a village and we are all in this together!



Proverbs 20:11
Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.



Other Post on Similar Topics:

Winning Their Hearts                            Learning Grace  
                                                                   



Yes Ma'am

                                                                                   
Big Little Blessings

Devil May Have Scored But God's Still Ahead!

You could say that it has been a rough few months for our family.  If you have been following our story you know about our struggle with Cohen's FPIES and his surgery and hospital stays.  In addition to what has been going on with Cohen we have had two of our little butterflies undergo surgeries as well. Then....just to top things off my wonderful husband's car decided to end it's life, no worries though God provided for us once again..bigger and better than we could have imagined.  During that process our little bullfrogs, butterflies, and myself had been left to spend a lot of time together hanging out at home while daddy used our car to get back and forth to work, which made grocery shopping extremely difficult.
Even beyond the recent trials there were many, many visits to many different doctors throughout this past year (that's a lot of many(s)....right!).  Our list includes...  x-rays, ultrasounds, pulmonary test, scopes, blood work, I.Vs., echo cardiograms,

and...
hospitals stays. I lost count somewhere around 75 (seriously no exaggerating just ask my friends that graciously kept my other children so that I could make these appointments).   I think I forgot to mention that somewhere in the midst of all this my big bullfrog was shot by an air soft gun damaging his retina and drain in his eye, I think he just felt left out of all the doctor visits.  Thankfully he is almost fully recovered and doing well but he required two appointments a week for over a month and then every week for two more.  So I guess you could say we have been rather busy for awhile...... but hey let's be honest I really brought all of this on myself!

Yep...I am ready to accept responsibility, I have blatantly made myself a perfect target for trials.  I have been working hard on my relationship with God and digging into His word trying to figure out His will for my family.  So you see it stands to reason that I am going to be attacked....and attacked I have been!  But I refuse to let the devil win!!  Those who have encountered his attacks know that he doesn't fight fair and he loves to kick us when we were are down....in fact when we are down is his favorite time to strike us hard.

What the devil doesn't get is that I am never down by myself, and I am never without my greatest source of strength.  My God will never forsake me or leave me and in the midst of any trial I will always have my joy.  So I will choose to find joy in these trials as well...

I could be mad that my children are chronically ill..... but I will choose to be glad that they will survive their illness.

I could be frustrated with doctors appointments and hospital stays.... but I choose to be glad that they have brought us closer to managing my little ones illnesses.

I could say why them, why me.... but I choose to say "how can we be used for Your kingdom through these experiences?"

I could complain about how much easier life should be... but I choose to be thankful that it isn't more difficult.

I could be angry that I can't do more to help my little ones... but I choose to be grateful that the One that loves them even more than me..... can!

I could be hurt that difficult times seem to continuously fall upon our family... but I choose to be thankful that I have been given the opportunity to be a part of this beautiful family.

I could hide behind my insecurities of being different from others and give into my fear of being a lesser mother than my peers... but I choose to shout to the world about what God is doing through these trials and accept my inequities, embracing my lessons in humility.

I could blame my God for all of this... but I choose to believe that He never wanted this world to contain sin and it is that same sin that causes trials in our lives. Once sin entered this world we all became destined to face trials in our lives (we can thank Adam and Eve for that one).

If I give into every "I could" I will be allowing the devil to score, so I will stick with the "I chooses" and give my God the upper hand, while I watch in astonishment as once again He defeats the enemy.  Unfortunately, these attacks will never cease and I know that the devil will not give up, so I will shield myself as best I can with the Words of my God.  It is through His strength that I can get back up and prepare myself for the next battle, knowing that something greater is at stake.  The devil will never stop....but he will never win!

Thank you God for never giving up on this imperfect person that I have become, one day I will once again be the perfect creation that you molded into existence.

Ephesians 6:10-18

The Armor of God                                                                                                            Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.                                        

When Life Gives You Lemons....

What do you do when life gives you lemons.......  well you build a fort in your living room of course.  It seems lately that we have had more than a fair share of disappointments but my crew handles it like champs.  I am so proud of this little gang that I have been blessed with and so it stands to reason that they should be rewarded.  

There are few things that could be classified as more fun to a group little people than a giant fort in the living room.   Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when the thought of cleaning up this montrosity would have halted the  fun  and  the opportunity  for making a new memory.  I am so glad that I am no longer that stick in the mud. 

mean really, there's only so many times in your life when camping out on the hard floor in the living room beneath a countless amount of blankets sounds like fun.  So tonight we camp...... because it's a lot more fun that wallowing in disappointment!!!

I have to admit it that it turned out  to be an extremely awsome fort!

John 16:22

So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.